How can a movie that defined "everything we love and hate" about the '80s be rebooted as a Hollywood blockbuster in the early 2010s? It probably can't. Which means that plans to resurrect the near-classic Top Gun as a franchise can only be considered mixed news at best. The original had Kenny Loggins power chords, goofy nicknames, Val Kilmer, that killer theme song and no trace of irony whatsoever. This new one, so far, has a script that's been floating around for years and still hasn't found a way to incorporate the middle-aged Tom Cruise. Still excited? Here's five reasons you shouldn't be:

  • It Only Encourages Even Worse Hollywood Sequels  Please think about it, entreats Matt Kiebus at Death and Taxes mag. "Does the world need another Nicholas Sparks sobfest about star-crossed soul mates from the Carolinas? Do we need another terrible 'Great Gatsby' remake? Is there such thing as an original horror movie anymore? Why are the 'Superman' and 'Spiderman' franchises being rebooted? Does the world really want another Pirates of the Caribbean?'...What’s next, 'Weekend at Bernie’s: Bernie Goes to Space'?"
  • Tom Cruise Will Become the New Tom Skeritt  Gawker's Richard Lawson can't stand the thought of Tom Cruise accepting the role of hard-nosed flight instructor: "They are putting this thing together, with the guy who wrote the Usual Suspects (and The Way of the Gun) writing the first draft. Tom Cruise would be in it, but in a smaller role. Like, the Tom Skerritt role. Tom Cruise is the new Tom Skeritt!"
  • Producer Jerry Bruckheimer Has Hit a Creative Wall  Claude Brodesser-Akner, who broke the news of the probable sequel on Vulture, explains that "outside of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, Bruckheimer’s track record at Disney has not been stellar as of late." He reckons: "This potential collaboration with his old home, Paramount, could be an interesting trial balloon to see if The Bruck can get a better deal outside Disney. Or it could simply be an effort to gain leverage and sweeten his deal at Disney."
  • How Can That Epic '80s Soundtrack Be Remixed?  AMC's Nick Steven's notes "The Top Gun soundtrack is a two-pronged attack of eighties greatness: the main anthem is still a staple of inspirational montage. But to even qualify as an eighties movie you need a pop-tastic love song, and Berlin's No. 1 hit "Take My Breath Away" might have been featured at more weddings and homecoming dances in the late eighties than any other tune. But the only way to get to Miramar is to take the highway to the 'Danger Zone.'"
  • Aviator Sunglasses Will Become Even More Popular  Time Newsfeed writer Megan Gibson would just like to point out "that you should never underestimate the power of aviators and a flight suit." That's what we're afraid of.
And, really, how can you top this?