AUTHOR: Phil Villarreal

FORUM: OK! Magazine

CONCEPT: Sex And The City 2 is a horror film and will be reviewed as such.

FILM'S EFFECT ON REVIEWER: It "reaches into the depths of my soul, grabs my heart and shatters it into a billion terrified pieces."

PRAISE FOR DIRECTOR: "Michael Patrick King, that baron of the grim and terrifying, didn't blow all his tricks in the 2008 horror masterpiece."

PRAISE FOR MAKEUP: "I applaud the job of the makeup department for truly crafting some terrifying monstrosities."

SARAH JESSICA PARKER IS: "the shrill banshee" and "a dead-on replica of the Wicked Witch of the West."

LIZA MINNELLI IS: "the Boris Karloff of our era."

UPON MINNELLI'S APPEARANCE: "If you get to that early point in the movie and are too terrified to proceed, I'll understand. I only stuck around because I was too afraid to move."

THE REST OF THE GANG IS: "Cynthia Nixon resembles Richard Nixon's re-animated corpse and Kim Cattrall is a ringer for Swamp Thing in a yellow wig."

SEE THIS MOVIE IF: "Only the brave and stout will dare take this movie on. Beware, for you will emerge changed. Your soul blackened, your hairline receded, your eyes wilted in defeat and part of your heart forever dead."

LIFE IN HELL:
Most horror films try to get you with shock value, loud scores and copious gore. But not Sex and the City 2, which grinds away your suspension of disbelief and confronts you with the prospect of endless mental torture. Throughout the 146-minute running time the monsters top one another with dreadful puns, revolting sexual innuendo and strained catch-phrase inventions, such as "interfriendtion." At one point, Swamp Thing is on an airplane and grabs a date off a plate. There's an infinitesimal pause as you cringe, wondering if she'll actually say what she thinks she's about to say, and then, yes, she remarks that she just left and "already has got a date," prompting her evil companions into a hideous cackle. You stare at your watch: still 90 minutes to go.