AUTHOR: Rick Reilly, ESPN columnist and sportswriting legend
LENGTH: 669 words
SPECIAL OCCASIONS: Reilly's one millionth published word, his final column for ESPN the Magazine
WHICH HE MARKS BY: Eviscerating high school basketball coach Greg Wise
BECAUSE: "Coach Wise is the hammerhead who believes it's his right to toast other basketball teams by 100 points."
THESIS: "Wise is to sportsmanship what tsunamis are to beach chairs."
POSSIBLE PUNISHMENT FOR WISE: "Dipped in seal butter and dropped into a polar bear's cage."
OTHER OPTIONS: "I'd like to clock him"; "I'd like Wise to spend a day as a speed bump in the Lee [High School] parking lot"
VERBS FOR WISE'S LOPSIDED WINS: Thumped, crushing, fricasseeing
OMINOUS PREDICTION: "If Wise doesn't stop, somebody's going to get hurt."
THINGS HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL IS NOT: War, the pros
WHAT REILLY WANTS: "In games against schools with no chance, they need to back off."
WHAT WISE WANTS: "He's after records. He wants teenage scalps."
THE COLUMN'S TITLE: Someone Stop This Man
EXAMPLE OF: Irony