LENGTH: 436 words
HEADLINE: "The obsession with Lady Gaga makes me want to gag-gag"
THESIS: Lady Gaga's talent is languishing under the crushing weight of her attempts at visual postmodernism
WHAT LADY GAGA DOESN'T DO: Music, despite her "undeniably fine voice"
WHAT SHE DOES DO: "Artifice"
EXAMPLE: "Read your pokerface? We can't even see it any more under all that lace."
NAME FOR ACT: "Haus of Gaga"
REASON FOR TEDIOUSNESS: It's the same "conical bra" Madonna wore 20 years ago
EFFECT OF PYROTECHNICS: Nil, except to "emphasize its lack of cutting edge"
THE LAST WORD:
The message too has tarnished: that with the right amount of frightening self-belief and furious media savvy, sisters, you too can call yourself an artist while singing the lines: "We like boys in cars/ Boys, boys, boys buy us drinks in bars."