AUTHOR: Kriston Capps, dill-hater at The Internet Food Association
FINDER: Ezra Klein, dill-lover, at The Washington Post
THESIS: Dill is dreadful, particularly if you've ever lived in Russia, where dill is inescapable
THINGS AS ICONICALLY RUSSIAN AS DILL: "bears-as-pets ... the castle/rocket from Tetris, every line uttered by Sean Connery in The Hunt for Red October, and utter, utter hopelessness"
WHAT DILL WILL MAKE YOU DO: Track down "Т.Ж.И.Ф."
WHICH IS? T.G.I. Friday's in Cyrillic
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS: "A marked-up tourist trap every desperate American willingly, eagerly waltzes into in hopes of escaping the national dill-emma"
WHAT YOU FIND THERE: Dill
WHY: "There is definitely no refuge from dill at Friday's in Russia"
THUS, WHAT Т.Ж.И.Ф. REALLY STANDS FOR: "God Is Dead, Now Eat Your Dill"
HOW THE AUTHOR LEARNED RUSSIAN DECLENSIONS: By "begging, whimpering, pleading" for no dill
THE LAST WORD:
Imagine a society not designed by Dr. Seuss where asking, please-and-thank-you style, to be excused from something will only get you more of that thing. That is Russia, and that thing is dill (and vodka shots). Dill tastes like mean service. Dill will punch you in the face, alright. But here in the USA, you don't have to take it.