DRIVING QUESTION: "Why are there no female sex scandals?"
WHERE COHEN SOUGHT ANSWERS: Everywhere he went over the course of a "long and much-partied recent weekend"
THE BOOMING REFRAIN: "Nobody knows." "Nobody knows." "Once again, nobody knows."
COHEN'S THEORIES: Women have a "stronger need to mother" than to cheat. Also few women are "stupid" enough to leave text messages like Tiger Woods, while "few men aren't."
WHAT TIGER WOODS LACKS: The wit of a mosquito
COHEN'S ASSESSMENT OF TIGER'S MISTRESSES: "They are what Darwin called dreck, which is Yiddish for cocktail waitress." The "male equivalents" of these women would be rejected as "evolutionary bad material."
NUMBER OF TIMES COHEN ASKS 'WHY?' AT END OF PARAGRAPH: 4
PEARLS OF WISDOM: "Since recreational sex can lead to diapers, women have to be prudent." "Almost no one, save maybe lachrymose country western singers, will defend the cheatin' man."
REASON WOMEN HAVEN'T BROKEN GLASS CEILING: They have "other priorities -- maintaining relationships and being a mother. This is the way it is, and this is the way it has always been."
SECRET POWER OF MALE DRIVE TO CHEAT: The "urge" to philander with "denizens of dimly lit hotel lounges is in some way linked to the drive to conquer, to prevail -- to succeed."
PERCENTAGE OF FINAL 11 WORDS THAT ARE FRENCH: 100
Men, like the poor polar bear, have seen their ecology change. Their youthful aggression, so useful for wars of choice (not to mention necessity) or merely hunting saber-toothed tigers, is now just a social menace. Their urge to have sex with just about any woman with a pulse makes them crude laughing stocks. Tiger Woods has become a punch line -- and so have men in general. (Thanks, Tiger.) We are a sorry lot. Almost no one, save maybe lachrymose country western singers, will defend the cheatin' man.