LENGTH: Roughly 1,000 words of earnest outrage mingled with 1,000 words of ostensible satire
THESIS: "A little off-the-books nookie should not infringe on man's ability to discuss bats and balls in October." Translation: men's affairs--and more particularly ESPN Sportscaster Steve Phillips's infidelity with a staffer--shouldn't be such a big deal
THE ENEMY: "Pussy Galore"--i.e., the irresistible temptresses who ruin men's "lives, careers and reputations"
IF WE DON'T ACT: She could "bring down our democracy and wreck the overtime budget of ESPN's human resources department"
JUST KIDDING, OF COURSE: "I mean, really, at this point Hugh Hefner is considering relocating to Bristol. Hef's mansion has absolutely nothing on Chris Berman's animal house."
BUT SERIOUSLY: "Sexual prohibition for a healthy American man is as futile as alcohol prohibition. Man was meant to eat, drink and be merry, and a heterosexual man's happiness is directly tied to his visitation privileges with PG"
MONOGAMY: "was invented before women entered the workplace"
MODERN MAN HAS MANY TEMPTATIONS: "Gender equality has given men more access to women. This is not a good thing for fidelity. Madonna, Britney, Paris and Lil' Kim haven't helped much, either." Plus, modern women "are far more sexually aggressive than they used to be."
AND THEN THERE'S VIAGRA: "Technological, medical and sociological advances have rendered monogamy a theory/fantasy attained solely by men without options and even less self-confidence"
WHY WOMEN ARE JUST LIKE STEAK:
I like steak. Capital Grille is my favorite steakhouse. I could eat at Capital Grille seven nights a week. But, especially when I'm traveling, I like to experience different steakhouses. My occasional trips to Shula's, Morton's, Ruth's Chris and Smith and Wollensky in no way infringe upon my undying love and support of Capital Grille. In fact, shortly after I've digested my meal at a different steakhouse, I'm reminded just how much I love Cap Grille.
Consequently, if a man can afford a no-disease, no-pregnancy occasional night on the town without it affecting his financial and lovemaking responsibilities at home, as mature adults we must reach the point where we can allow this without breaking up the family or running a man from political office/off the set of a popular TV show.