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WHO HE WANTS TO TAKE DOWN, BADLY: Michelle Obama and her elitist leafy greens
WHY SHE'S, LIKE, TOTALLY CLUELESS: "Considering all the logistics, each tomato she purchased had a carbon footprint of several tons." Plus, people on food stamps probably can't afford $3 for a pint of potatoes when they're 40 cents a pound at Giant
BIGGEST NAUSEA-INDUCING MOMENT: When somebody put a "lei of marigolds around Obama's neck" and the angels sang
LIST OF THINGS THE OBAMAS HAVE RUINED FOR HIM: Farm stands, Tuscan Kale, fruits and vegetables, the White House
WHAT HE SECRETLY WISHES HE COULD AFFORD: A $9 jumbo crab cake at Chris's Marketplace
WHAT HE'D PROBABLY PREFER A FIRST LADY INGEST: A frothy mug of "Mad Bitch Beer"
WHERE HE'D RATHER BE, SUPPOSEDLY: At a tea party, with The People
IF HE WERE A WOMAN: There would be a catfight
WHY HE LOST HIS LUNCH AT THE FARMERS MARKET:
The Secret Service and the D.C. police brought in three dozen vehicles and shut down H Street, Vermont Avenue, two lanes of I Street and an entrance to the McPherson Square Metro station. They swept the area, in front of the Department of Veterans Affairs, with bomb-sniffing dogs and installed magnetometers in the middle of the street, put up barricades to keep pedestrians out, and took positions with binoculars atop trucks. Though the produce stand was only a block or so from the White House, the first lady hopped into her armored limousine and pulled into the market amid the wail of sirens.
Then, and only then, could Obama purchase her leafy greens. "Now it's time to buy some food," she told several hundred people who came to watch. "Let's shop!"Cowbells were rung. Somebody put a lei of marigolds around Obama's neck. The first lady picked up a straw basket and headed for the "Farm at Sunnyside" tent, where she loaded up with organic Asian pears, cherry tomatoes, multicolored potatoes, free-range eggs and, yes, two bunches of Tuscan kale. She left the produce with an aide, who paid the cashier as Obama made her way back to the limousine.