As we speak, the United States is taking on Germany in its final match in World Cup Group Play. At the same time, Ghana takes on Portugal, with only two of these four teams advancing to the next round.
A tie or a win today and the United States moves on. A loss and they'll need some help from the other two teams. We've be provided live updates and commentary throughout the match, so follow along as you watch on ESPN (or Univision.)
1:53 p.m.: It's over! America loses! Ghana loses! America is through! We face the winner of Group H! Probably Belgium! GUYS. WE DID IT. WE LOST BUT WE LOST WITH HONOR.
1:51 p.m.: That was a molasses-slow but still VERY EXCITING series of attacks from America. Good job, lads!
1:49 p.m.: Four minutes of added time in both games. HOLD ON.
1:47 p.m.: Germany slows things down with a couple substitutions. Everybody just try to hold on.
1:43 p.m.: America has had about one clean chance on German goal in this whole game, and Germany are not known for their defense, so I dunno what that tells you.
1:41 p.m.: Reports that Obama has commissioned the construction of a thousand-foot high statue of Cristiano Ronaldo on the National Mall remain unconfirmed.
1:40 p.m.: Germany doesn't care and is still trying like hell to get into our box, but the U.S. defense locks them down.
1:38 p.m.: Portugal scores, and America breathes a sigh of relief. Now Ghana or Portugal need to score a TON in the last ten minutes to knock us out.
1:36 p.m.: Everyone really seems exhausted out there. Ian Darke is there to remind us for the fortieth time that no matter how insane it seems, the U.S. can advance if they have more points than Ghana or Portugal. I know this is mathematically complicated.
1:33 p.m.: It's a Civil War battlefield out there.
1:26 p.m.: America should try to score a goal, not just knock the ball between themselves. They can't rely on that Ghana/Portugal result holding.
1:20 p.m.: The U.S. didn't get an obvious foul called for them, and then Beckerman made an idiotic challenge and got a yellow card, and oh God it's all starting to feel very bad. Also Ian Darke just pointed out a 3-1 Ghana win would knock us out. So would a 2-1 win, you berk.
1:17 p.m.: The pizza is starting to turn on me.
1:15 p.m.: Ghana have equalized. If that holds, "U.S. could lose this 5-0 and still go through," says Darke. Well, let's not go ahead and do that, though. If Ghana scores again, the U.S. will start to sweat.
1:12 p.m.: Howard makes a fantastic save but can't do anything about the bullet follow-up from Thomas Muller. Germany leads 1-0. "AND NOW THE TENSION IS RACKED UP," Darke yells. Germany were pressing so, so hard for that goal.
1:11 p.m.: Michael Bradley's head is the shape and texture of a lima bean. Prove me wrong.
1:09 p.m.: Germany gets the ball in for Klose, who heads it just wide. Murderous thoughts building.
1:06 p.m.: Whoever's doing that "Seven Nation Army" chant in the stands, cut it out.
1:05 p.m.: We're back! Miroslav Klose is subbed on for Germany. HE'S A SCARY MAN. Germany starts out with a good chance, but Gonzalez heads it clear. Nice job.
12:46 p.m.: Halftime. I have eaten more slices of pizzas than there are atoms in the observable universe.
12:45 p.m.: Michael Bradley, I feel for you, but if you don't want this country to turn on you, STOP BOBBLING EVERY CHANCE THAT COMES TO YOUR FEET.
12:41 p.m.: That was one of the most abhorrent corner kicks I've ever seen. It's called practicing your set-pieces, guys.
12:37 p.m.: Bradley gets it ahead to Dempsey, who's alone in the box with two German defenders and can't do anything about it. Then Gonzalez gets a yellow card for a tough challenge on Schweinensteiger.
12:34 p.m.: A WORTHY save there from Howard. Germany are back on the attack after ten minutes on their heels.
12:32 p.m.: Not to plug another website, but FIFA's live blog is amusing in its formal approach. "MÜLLER (Germany) is adjudged to be in an offside position."
12:30 p.m.: Portugal scored! Which is good news for America, because Ghana has better goal difference and Portugal got thumped by Germany.
12:29 p.m.: I have eaten approximately forty slices of pizza.
12:28 p.m.: Jermaine Jones tried to get into the box to pick up a cross, and smashed into the ref. Just FYI: that's the ref's fault. He should know better than to get in players' ways.
12:26 p.m.: "The U.S. have survived the initial storm," Ian Darke says. USA! USA! USA!
12:24 p.m.: Just to give you an idea of who's been dominating the ball so far:
12:22 p.m.: GOD THAT WAS CLOSE
12:18 p.m.: No one reading this is interested in the Toronto Raptors possibly acquiring the #22 pick in tonight's NBA draft from the Grizzlies, right? No? Okay, I get it.
12:13 p.m.: So the weather is horrible in Recife, where the U.S. is playing, but wonderful over in the capital of Brasillia, where Portugal faces off against Ghana. Just look at this!
12:11 p.m.: Germany are playing terrific offensive football, pressing hard, creating as many chances as possible, not giving America a break, which is just like them.
12:08 p.m.: Germany pressing pretty hard on attack, testing U.S. goalie Tim Howard early. Michael Bradley's first touch of the ball was greeted with groans in the Atlantic Media offices, somewhat unfairly.
12:04 p.m.: ESPN hurtfully reminds me that Germany's last major title was at Euro '96, where they knocked England out in the semi-finals. THANKS GUYS. I KNOW.
12:03 p.m.: Here's some insider football knowledge gleaned only from years of experience following the game: America are wearing white today, Germany are in some black-and-red combo jersey.
11:59 p.m.: The players take their places on a water-logged pitch. Still waiting on news regarding what exactly every team needs to do to advance to the knockout round. USA has to win by more than 18 goals and every player Portugal has to bite someone, did I get it right?