Hello, Copenhagen! The grand final 2014 Eurovision Song Contest is finally upon us, and wherever you are in the world, we hope you've picked a country to support and a comfortable place to sit. For Americans, uninitiated or otherwise, you've hopefully found a bar to watch it in. Join us as 26 countries belt their hearts out for the top spot, and chance to host next year's competition. The European Broadcasting Union have announced tonight's all-important running order, starting with Ukraine and spanning across the continent, ending with Slovenia. After the dazzling performances (view the livestream here), watch closely for the political voting that is bound to happen; spare a thought for the nul points nations; and see if our winner's predictions came true. Here's a recap of all of the 2014 songs.
6:40 p.m. There you have it. It was all over much too quickly. Conchita was always going to win it, wasn't she? Here are the final scores; surprisingly France was two points away from getting nul points. The U.K. was beaten by 'Cheesecake.' Until next year in Austria, bye for now!
6:30 p.m. The crowd goes wild while Conchita goes to change for her winning performance. Taking the microphone trophy, she said, "This night is dedicated to anyone who believes in a future of peace and freedom. You know who you are."
6:25 p.m. AUSTRIA WINS! CONCHITA IS QUEEN OF EUROPE! The voting isn't over, but it's no longer possible for any other country to catch up. Now the rather pointless task of collecting the rest of the votes.
6:23 p.m. Kiev calling and Ukraine give eight points to Austria, ten points go to Armenia, and twelve points go to Sweden.
6:20 p.m. Conchita is on the verge of collapse from all the emotion. Austria calling, with added beard!
6:15 p.m. Good old Ireland. Eight points from them to the U.K, ten to The Netherlands, and twelve to Austria. There are currently FOUR points separating the Ukraine and Russia. Ukraine is ahead.
6:10 p.m. Yes, Israel and Portugal! Both countries give Austria twelve points. Even Russell Brand has piped up.
6:05 p.m. 20 countries have voted, and right now it's 1. Austria 2. The Netherlands 3. Armenia.
6:04 p.m. Twelve points from Belarus to Russia. Nothing to see here.
6:02 p.m. Stockholm calling! Twelve points to Austria! It's getting tense!
6:00 p.m. Iceland give eight points to Denmark, ten points to Austria, and twelve points to The Netherlands. Also four points to the U.K., so cheers for that. Right now it's between The Netherlands, Austria, and Sweden.
5:55 p.m. France calling! They gave Armenia twelve points. Over in "swinging London," the U.K. give eight points to the Netherlands, ten points to Malta (of course), and twelve points go to Austria! Austria have now been given twelve points three times (are you keeping up?)
5:52 p.m. Russia is getting booed, booed, booed. They've given eight points to Armenia, ten points to Azerbaijan, and twelve points go to... Belarus! Russia did give points to Austria and Ukraine.
Crowd making their voices heard. 7 to Ukraine though! #Eurovision— Dr Eurovision (@dreurovision) May 10, 2014
5:50 p.m. Norway gives twelve points to Sweden; no surprise there! Montenegro give twelve points to Hungary. Romania give twelve points to Sweden,too. It's all over the place tonight.
5:46 p.m. Poland gives twelve points to The Netherlands. Albania gives twelve points to Spain.
5:45 p.m. Voting has started. Azerbaijan just gave the coveted twelve points to Russia. Boos all around. The hosts remind the audience that Eurovision is "about the music."
5:25 p.m. Voting lines are now closed. Time for the longest voting segment of anything, ever. Conchita to win, but The Netherlands, France, Norway, Sweden, and Ukraine also have very good chances.
5:15 p.m A very Eurovision interlude while the voting gets underway. The hosts are singing an R&B ode to the number twelve, as in twelve points, the magical douze points, the maximum number of points one country can give another. More bizarre jokes about China.
5:03 p.m. And that's a wrap! Now is the best time for a bathroom break/drink top-up/quick nap. Two hours of performances, done. Now, for the voting. Our Danish hosts just gave a special shoutout — and confetti bomb — to Graham Norton, the BBC's fantastic commentator; his barbs are usually the best part of watching Eurovision in the U.K. There he is!
5:00 p.m. The last to perform is Molly, the United Kingdom's entry, and her song 'Children of the Universe.' I really wanted to like this, but it's terrible combination of costumes from the stage version of 'The Lion King', Stevie Nicks, and henna tattoos.
4:54 p.m. San Marino's song 'Maybe' has a certain James Bond theme sound to it. Not sure about singer Valentina Monetta standing around in a huge satin oyster, but sure, we'll take it.
4:51 p.m. Such a lovely song from The Netherlands. 'Calm After the Storm' is a real departure from what we usually hear. As always, the BBC says it best.
4:45 p.m. Denmark's entry is the biggest Bruno Mars rip-off of all time. If you're only listening to 'Cliche Love Song,' and can't see Basim dancing around, it could be Mars singing it. Eurovision countries have looked to America more than once this year, but this is unbelievably similar. Nul points.
4:41 p.m. Oh, Malta. I'm biased here, being British and all, but they can do no wrong as long as they keep giving the U.K. points. Firelight are the Maltese version of Mumford and Sons, and 'Coming Home' is especially anthemic. GOOD LUCK, MALTA.
4:36 p.m. American-born András Kállay-Saunders's song for Hungary, 'Running,' is about the abuse one of his friends suffered when she was a child. But considering the song sounds like Craig David produced by Skrillex, it might be a little upbeat for that theme.
4:32 p.m. Questionable lyrics from Switzerland's Sebalter include, "I feel your judgement/I'm so wet I'm dirty." Some excellent fiddle playing, but 'Hunter of Stars' is just not a contender tonight.
4:30 p.m. The bio of Spain's Ruth Lorenzo, who was once a contestant on the British version of 'The X Factor' includes this sentence: "The day Ruth was born she screamed so loudly during the birth that the doctors said she would be a singer." She is really belting out 'Dancing in the Rain,' but as Amy Brown, my correspondent in the U.K. says, "Mate, just not interesting."
4:25 p.m. Finland's Softengine sound like Fall Out Boy and look like One Direction in metallic suits. 'Something Better' is perhaps one of the only songs in the history of Eurovision to end with a throaty punk scream.
4:21 p.m. One of the least popular acts of the night, Tinkara Kovač's song 'Round and Round' isn't doing Slovenia any favors. It may have to do with her choice of instrument.
This is the woman responsible for sexualising the flute. No one asked her to. She needs to go.— Padraig (@PadraigJude) May 10, 2014
4:17 p.m. Italy's entry, who goes simply by Emma, has been called the Italian Lady Gaga. Her song 'La Mia Città' is pretty forgettable, but the Greco-Roman staging just about saved it.
4:15 p.m. All eyes have been on Russia's Tolmachevy Sisters and their song 'Shine,' but despite the ridiculous staging using a see-saw, they weren't booed. That will probably come later when the points are handed out.
4:10 p.m. The delightful lovechild of LMFAO and Jedward, France's TWIN TWIN and their song 'Moustache' is brilliant, jumpy Euro-pop. Very, very fun, and the closest Eurovision will ever get to being hipster.
4:06 p.m. Sanna Nielsen's song for Sweden, 'Undo,' has been compared to Miley Cyrus' 'Wrecking Ball.' A thumping, but bland, version of it, yes.
4:02 p.m. We're at the halfway mark already! Here are hosts Pilou Asbæk and Lise Rønne talking about the 'sweaty men with big muscles' who used to work where Copenhagen's B&W Hallerna stadium stands now. They know their audience.
4:00 p.m. Conchita is an impossible act to follow, but Germany's Elaiza is trying with her song 'Is It Right.' People seem to be using it for a bathroom break. But, silver linings.
The accordion player does look lovely #eurovision— Angus Quinn (@Angus_Quinn17) May 10, 2014
3:55 p.m. Conchita Wurst has it in the bag. Austria will take it. That wasn't an echo- it was the entire audience singing along to the lyrics of 'Rise Like a Phoenix' with her. Amazing.
3:51p.m. Greece's song is just a vuvuzela (remember them from the last World Cup?) with lyrics and dancing. Here's an interesting tidbit from Dr. Eurovision:
Greece in #Eurovision against the odds after the national broadcaster was closed by the Greek government. Greece know how to "do" this show!— Dr Eurovision (@dreurovision) May 10, 2014
3:46p.m. Poland definitely have a chance of winning with Donatan and Cleo's 'My Słowianie,' or 'We Are Slavic' in English. An ode to strong Slavic women and their beauty, the addition of butter-churning ladies on stage made it a massive hit with crowd. We wonder why.
3:43 p.m. Time for another ballad. Montenegro's Sergej Ćetković is warbling through 'Moj Svijet' with a woman rollerblading in a feather tutu behind him. OK then. A classic Eurovision song, but not a winner.
3:38 p.m. One of the favorites to win, Armenia's Aram MP3, is up with 'Not Alone.' He's a little off-key tonight, but the wind-machine has just started blowing his treachcoat around. The Steve Buscemi comparisons are coming in thick and fast on Twitter.
3:33 p.m. Romania used a hologram and an infinity keyboard for their song 'Miracle.' Sounds like a U.K. garage song from the 1990s.
3:28 p.m. Time for a Scandinavian interlude. Iceland's Pollapönk performed 'No Prejudice' like it was their last day on earth. Norway's Carl Espen, aka the Nordic Bon Iver, is stirring hearts with 'Silent Storm.' The BBC can't resist another comparison.
Ricky Gervais + Zach Galifianakis = Norway pic.twitter.com/5Vv9w7jpwU— BBC Eurovision (@bbceurovision) May 10, 2014
3:25 p.m. Tonight's first ballad from Azerbaijan with Dilara Kazimova singing 'Start a Fire.' Despite the trapeze artist, it was rather dull.
3:20 p.m. Teo and Belarusian anthem, 'Cheesecake' are up now. This song was one of our predictions to win, but it's sounding unfortunately empty tonight. The BBC helpfully tweets a very obvious comparison.
3:18 p.m. Ukraine are up first with Mariya Yaremchuk and her song 'Tick-Tock.' The spinning hamster wheel, one of this year's best props, is in full swing.
3:13 p.m. Just a reminder about Eurovision voting: countries can't vote for themselves. Half the votes come from viewers, and the other half come from National Juries. Hosts Nikolaj Koppel, Pilou Asbæk and Lise Rønne have a long night ahead of them, but interestingly gave a shout-out to Eurovision watchers in China.
3:02 p.m. And we're off! A very elaborate opening montage, including parachutes and people jumping over barrels on fire, followed by more fireworks than Denmark has probably ever seen. Now introducing the 26 acts. Ukraine is first, which is interesting. Austria and Conchita Wurst gets the biggest cheer of all. Russia and the Tolmachevy Sisters are booed.