Chinese Zodiac: Your Chinese Zodiac sign is determined by your birth year, and you can be either a rat, ox, tiger, rabbit, dragon, snake, horse, monkey, goat, rooster, dog, or pig. Obviously some sound better than others, and the idea of a Zodiac fight that's completely unfair (dragon vs. monkey?) is what makes this system beautiful.
Japanese Zodiac: In Japan, there's a popular belief that blood types determine your personality. Before you say that's weird, please remember that there are some people who believe the answers to the universe can be found through a sky creature that is half-goat, half-fish.
Gemini: Geminis are playful, charming, and two-faced (duh). They also tend be creative — they're your friends at work who have lots of great ideas, but aren't so good with deadlines. The twin sign is shared by Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (of course), Prince William, and Marilyn Monroe.
Sagittarius: Sagittarians are outspoken, independent, and sometimes brash. Sagittarius is a fire sign, which means a quick temper can be a problem. If we had to guess, the majority of young women on The Bad Girls Club are probably Sagittarians.
Cancer: Cancers are good moms. They're the most conservative of the bunch and have a real nurturing streak. Unfortunately, Cancers can also be grumpy, sensitive and need coaxing to come out of their shells. They're the struggle sandwiches of the Zodiac.
Capricorn: The mighty and majestic sea-goat of the Zodiac. Someone was absolutely bombed when they decided to look in the sky and see Capricorn. Good job Capricorn, you're the drunken mistake of Zodiac signs.
Leo: The Lion is authoritative, but caring and generous. Leos are also often idealistic. The trouble with that is that they're often relentless and headstrong, meaning that life is better when you're not at odds with a Leo. Bad Girls Club All-Stars are probably Leos.
Aquarius: Aquarians are good people-people. They're social, have lots of friends, and one was probably your high school prom queen. That's cool if you're an Aquarian, not so much if you're not.
Virgo: The symbol for Virgo is, what else, a virgin. Virgos are highly analytical and tend to be clean freaks. This is your sweet — but definitely insane — freshman roommate at college. How is she? You should call her.
Pisces: Pisces actually represents two fish. They're the go-with-the-flow signs of the Zodiac, which sorta makes them sound like pushovers or someone you want around at your party to help you clean up. They're good people.
Scorpio: You've probably dated a Scorpio and possibly regretted it. Scorpios are allegedly great in bed, a perk sometimes outweighed by their jealous and obsessive behavior. Best case Scorpio scenario: Emma Stone, Ryan Gosling, Leonardo DiCaprio and Ryan Reynolds. Worst case Scorpio scenario: Anne Hathaway and Drake.
Taurus: This is the manliest sign in the Zodiac. The bull is known for calm, powerful virility. Before you get any ideas, bulls are also known for trampling people.
Libra: Libras are concerned with balance above all else — they're constantly juggling other people's wants and needs. It's considered to be a weaker sign, but someone has to stand up for justice for all. That sounds great right? Before you run and tell everyone you're a martyr, just know that Kim Kardashian is also a Libra.
Aries: Aries, the ram, is known for taking challenges "head on." (Which sometimes means slamming that head against a wall.) Good job Aries, how very Tracy Flick of you.
Ophiuchus: This sign, meaning the "the serpent bearer" was a big news story back in 2011. Because of some mumbo jumbo witchcraft, the earth's alignment has changed and so 13th zodiac sign was born. This new sign would mess up people's current sun signs, and no one wanted to do that, so no one recognized it.
The Hindu (or Vedic) Zodiac: Not that different from the Western Zodiac. But It might be good for someone unhappy with their current sign, because it is read and calculated differently. "For example, suppose, according to Western astrology, your Sun sign is in Capricorn," astrologer Robert Koch writes. "In the Vedic system, it could be in Sagittarius." No more sea goat.
Your vote: Leo
The Wire's vote:
Chinese Zodiac vs. Japanese Zodiac: One is determined by your birth year, the other by your blood type. Since blood is truly integral to your person, we're going to go ahead and say the Japanese Zodiac wins this round. Winner: Japanese Zodiac
Gemini vs. Sagittarius: Geminis are fun, but Sagittarians are too much fun (see: Bad Girls Club). Winner: Gemini
Cancer vs. Capricorn: Cancers are the moms of the Zodiac. Capricorns are "sea-goats." This is a useless contest, but Cancers have more redeeming value. Winner: Cancer
Leo vs. Aquarius: Aquarians are the high school prom queens of the Zodiac, and as such, they win the first round of any competition. Winner: Aquarius
Virgo vs. Pisces: Could there be two more harmless signs in the Zodiac? If there was an actual literal fight between these two signs, it would consist of flappy-wristed slaps thrown without any velocity. Pisces wins this milquetoast battle. Winner: Pisces
Scorpio vs. Taurus: Scorpio wins this going away. It has stinger. It's kind of scary. Scorpios are kind of scary people too. Ciara is a Scorpio. Why would you want to mess with Ciara? Winner: Scorpio.
Libra vs. Aries: Libras make people nervous, not unlike the way Scorpios do. But that's because you're kind of afraid for them. They're people pleasers and are really concerned with making sure everyone's happy. This won't serve them well in this bracket, because what would make Aries happy is a win. Winner: Aries
Ophiuchus vs. Hindu: Ophiuchus wins purely based on the WTF factor. Winner: Ophiuchus.
Japanese Zodiac vs. Gemini: The Japanese Zodiac is pretty cool (blood!) but nothing is cooler than the Olsen twins, objectively. Winner: Gemini
Cancer vs. Aquarius: Here's where Aquarius gets her comeuppance. A cool mom is better than a prom queen, in the long run. Winner: Cancer
Pisces vs. Scorpio: A fish vs. a scary-looking bug with a venomous sting. Neither one sounds like something or someone you'd want to spend a prolonged amount of time with. Winner: Scorpio
Aries vs. Ophiuchus: "Oh, man. That Aries is like the coolest guy/gal I've ever met," said no one. Winner: Ophiuchus.
Gemini vs. Cancer: Marilyn Monroe vs. Lindsay Lohan. Winner: Gemini
Scorpio vs. Ophiuchus: Ryan Gosling is a Scorpio. No one even knows if they are a Ophiuchus. Winner: Scorpio.
Gemini vs. Scorpio: We've got the two strongest signs right here — Scorpio's the sexy one, and Gemini's the fun one. While you may regret hanging out with Scorpio in the morning, you'll still be out partying with Gemini at dawn. The Olsen Twins win again.