On Tuesday, very popular and profitable dentist office tome People magazine deemed Adam Levine as "The Sexiest Man Alive." Actual people, for whom the magazine is ostensibly made for, are upset with this choice. Those people are wrong.
Giving Levine the coveted title of Sexiest Man Alive is one the most sensible things that People has ever done with this feature. Levine's rise to sexiness is actually a triumph, a success story of how the human libido can overcome common sense and the human flight or fight instinct.
Having an attraction to Levine is not unlike possessing an anal fissure. It's something that no one talks about and has no place at a cocktail party or Thanksgiving, but it exists in hidden shame and on Internet message boards. There's no better of indicator of the human psyche than what people look for on the Internet. People have been ravenously using Google to search for "Adam Levine Sexy" and "Adam levine hot" for the past three years:
People only admit to this secret sexiness because unlike the sexiest men crowned by People in the past, Levine has had the sexiness deck stacked against him. Some of it self inflicted: he doesn't seem very nice (unlike Ryan Reynolds), he says some jerky things (unlike Matt Damon), he has a tattoo of the word "Los Angeles" on his shoulder (unlike any human you would probably want to sleep with), and his singing voice kinda sounds like Cher on helium (unlike George Clooney). "[C]ome on, People. It's 'Sexiest Man Alive,' not 'Person Who Most Reminds You of an Infection You Got from a Hot Tub'," wrote Madeleine Davies at Jezebel.
But still, Levine has overcome those barriers. Being attracted to Clooney, Cooper, and Damon is easy since there's really no reason, physical or personality-wise, not to be. Levine comes with a litany, and his sexiness, like the Greek economy, is working against a massive deficit. Unlike Greece, Levine still soars like a tattooed, majestic eagle about the mountains of haters (which makes him like Iceland, I guess).
There are others like Levine too (a brief and gratuitous rundown follows) ...
Alex Pettyfer. 23. Actor.
What makes him Levine-ish: Once rumored to have a tattoo above his groin that said "Thank you" in Chinese, in case he forgets to say it or something. It actually says "Alex" which is still a bit weird. He was also reportedly a jerk to his ex-girlfriend, Dianna Agron of Glee.
Brody Jenner. 30. Featured Guest Star on Keeping up with the Kardashians (sort of related to them too), formerly of The Hills
What Makes Him Levine-Ish: Has a tattoo of his last name in Old English text (the kind you used in grade school when writing about Medieval things) scrawled down his upper body.
Rob Gronkowski. 24. Tight End for the New England Patriots.
What Makes Him Levine-ish: His penchant for getting naked, as evidenced by that ESPN The Body issue:
Sometimes, people are brave or intoxicated enough to actually admit they have an attraction to Levine or any of the men above. But when they do, they usually preface it with a disclaimer. (As with Levine, having sex with these men would probably result in a morning after of regret and a haunting scent patchouli.)
People had the courage not to. And by giving him this title, the magazine has acknowledged the universal truth that people can still be attracted to man who, by all accounts, should never fornicate with another human.